My Suicidal Days

This page is to give you some information on what I went through during my suicidal 'binges'. It all started at work. I wasn't particularly unhappy, and was at no time thinking about suicide. But I would play certain cd's on my computer and think, "That would be awfully nice to play at my funeral." Then as the time went by, pressure began to build up a little at work, some projects requiring a little overtime. The company was very good to me. Previously, I needed a week off around Christmas, and they paid it. That was unexpected, and greatly appreciated. But things in my life began to build up, and I finally just could not go back in to work. My energy was low, my sleep had diminished to an all time low. I just could not go in. My psychiatrist did not know what to do about me. He wrote me a note for a month off work. I began working at a farming operation owned by a family in our church. But then it occurred to me that my Long Term Disability Pension might be in jeopardy by me working there, and so I quit. Now I was in a real pickle. I couldn't go to my regular job, and I couldn't do the honorable thing and work, even if it was only for a fraction of what I was getting at my regular job. And I had this 'monkey on my back', this feeling of inadequacy, of never again feeling I could support myself and my family in a way we had come to expect. It was anxiety-provoking to say the least. But that is what it caused, anxiety, and it seemed to get worse. And so what does one do when they feel they are being backed into a corner? They try and escape. I knew better than to try and escape by the typical methods that people escape with, alcohol, drugs etc. I knew there was no solution there. And so as the anxiety built up, so did my inability to eat. At this point my anxiety was at an all time high. What else was there? Only suicide. I didn't want to commit suicide, but I was compelled to do it, as I looked back over my life and saw how 'inexcusable' my decisions were, and how even though I tried to mask my inferiority all of my life, I see how it was really very obvious to everyone anyway. I felt like an utter fool, an utter disgrace to myself, my family, my church, and my God. At that point I became out of control. My first attempt on my life ended up with me driving myself home late one night. The police were at the door. Many many people out driving around trying to find me. The police shaking  their heads saying, "You've got a nice house, a nice wife, nice kids, I don't understand." That made two of us. I didn't understand. All I knew was that I hated myself and had to get out of this fleshly body. And so that earned me a 4 week, all expenses paid trip to "The Spa", as one of the members of a support group I attend affectionately calls it, the psyche ward of our local hospital. After 3 weeks the psychiatrist approached me and asked me how I was doing, "Do you still want to kill yourself?" I said, "Yes." He said, "I can't keep you here forever." And so they gradually eased me back to life at home. Well, after about 5 days at home, I did it again. I really tried this time, but it didn't work. Again I drove home. And the police were there, and the people were there, and on and on. And, you guessed it, I earned another 4 weeks at the spa. Well, they again slowly accustomed me to home life. And this time they set up 'a plan'. Whenever I felt really desperate, I was to do thus and thus. The plan is good, but the person responsible for initiating the plan needs to be in agreement that life is 'liveable' and valuable. I couldn't agree with either. And so another week or so passed, and I really, honestly tried this time. I mean, I could email the story to you and you would agree I deserved an A+. But God chose to intervene. I think He goes the second mile for people who have others praying for them. Whatever the reason, my life was spared. But, this time at the scene of the attempt, I was handcuffed and escorted to the back of a police car and driven to the hospital. At that point I was placed on the list of patients to be transferred to the regional facility. Nine days later I was on my way to the larger facility 40 miles away. I got there and it was different, way different. This was where all the hard core cases ended up and it made the other hospital I was in seem like a day camp. The patients were more 'challenging', the nurses were tougher (No offence to them, I guess they had to be, but they could have smiled once in a while.) The food was worse, they had a locked down wing in the locked down wing. This place was different. But they did have more facilities and so that was good. They had a full gymnasium, they had a beautiful outdoor area, a baseball diamond, a couple of cafeteria's. In that way it was much better. And they had more personnel available to treat the patients. I got in there and two 'cases' I had met in my previous time spent at the spa were suited and ready to leave the hospital, ready for another try a life. So in that way it was impressive. And so, during my third week at the hospital, I began developing a desire of what I could do using the internet, and so with a renewed purpose for my life, made a dramatic reversal in my emotional health and was 'sceptically' released by the doctor and social worker. Looking back, I can see I became manic, now armed with this new idea. And it caused me to see a pattern in my life where I was quick to do almost anything that came into my mind if it seemed half way possible and successful. That was the first of a number of 'cracks' I noticed in my everyday behaviour caused by anxiety. Well, I got out of the hospital in August and by the following September I was back to work part-time, and by that Christmas I was back full-time.

That particular internet venture failed, but it was successful at helping me to see myself. So in that way it was good. I have progressed since then. I have developed in my ability to recognize anxiety in my life (and in others), and have learned what causes it and what to do to quench it. It is awesome to be on this journey, and so if you are reading this and feel you need to be on a similar journey, I invite you to contact me. You will become one of a number of others who are now actively applying God's principles to their lives, and seeing freedom and increased success and happiness in their lives. Thanks for taking the time to read this overview. My hope is that if you sense you are heading in the wrong direction emotionally, that you will recognize it and make some adjustments now before your life becomes completely unmanageable. Take a few minutes now and contact me. Thanks, I look forward to hearing from.

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