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Beth's Story
I grew up in an abusive household
where there was physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I have two
sisters and one brother. I was beaten several times throughout my
childhood. And this was at the hands of my father who was considered
a pillar in the community. We had to uphold a front due to his
“impeccable” reputation .
I don’t remember much of anything of my life up through age 10 or
maybe even later.
Three vivid experiences do stick in my mind however: 1) A fight
between my sister and my father where each had a pair of scissors in
their hands and were threatening to kill each other and I got in the
middle of them and begged them to stop 2) the time I got thrown down
an entire set of stairs after which, my father hugged me and told me
the only reason he did it was because “he loved me.” I was sick to
my stomach and cringing and 3) my oldest sister’s boyfriend (who
eventually became her husband) hitting us and pinching us till we
had bruises on our arms and legs… “in fun” as he put it. Not fun in
my book. And we were not known as a family of violence – police were
never called. You didn’t have 911 in the late 60’s, We kept it to
ourselves
Aside from the abuse, there was rarely anything positive said to me
(or my sisters that matter) by my father. In fact, quite the
opposite.
Some of what he said to me was “you don’t talk right, you don’t act
right, you don’t smile right, I don’t like your hair, you’re ugly...
you name it. It was almost constantly negative.
I believe, that due to the abuse, I developed anxiety at an early
age. In my early teens, I started to develop a shaking condition. It
only happened on occasion at that point but it would escalate over
the years to the point where it became debilitating.
In grade school I started acting up and as a teenager I was punished
a few times but I can’t remember what I did exactly. I just know it
wasn’t good because I remember the punishments, but not the crimes.
In my early teens, I started hitting myself with a metal pipe which
caused bruising and pain. To this day, I don’t know why I did it.
During my first year in college, I lived at home. And, I got into
drugs at the school. I lived in a very dangerous and precarious
place – buying, using and running deals to help out a “friend” of
mine. One night this so called friend asked if I wanted to shoot up
heroin. I had never done heroin before so I figured “why not?” I
didn’t know any better at the time. I was 18 and rebelling against
an extremely strict and repressive upbringing. Shortly after he gave
me the injection, I became violently ill. I asked him why I was so
sick and his words to me were “I just gave you enough heroin to kill
a horse.” And then he laughed. I failed to see the humor in it but
it’s a moment I’ll never forget. While I survived the night, I ended
up in the emergency room a few days later because I developed an
infection where the needle entry was. That incident was the last of
my drug use and I’m lucky to have survived that time.
When I left the house at age 19, the parting words from my father
were, “Nothing you will ever do will impress me”.
Well, I was gonna show him that I could be somebody. And my next 30
years were spent trying to prove to him that I was somebody, that I
could make it on my own, and be successful. That I could overcome
what had happened to me. I vowed that I would never have someone
have control of my life like that again.
But with that thought, in mind, I became a perfectionist in the
extreme to overcome my low self esteem. It worked for a while. I
earned a college degree while employed full time and graduated with
a 3.95 GPA, Summa Cum Laude.
I was gonna prove to my dad that I could make it in the business
world. His words kept haunting me however and I was driven by, “I
have to prove it to him, I have to.”
And I did do it. I had a very successful career but it began to
unravel after about 25 years. The shaking episodes became worse and
worse. I had what I call four or five ‘melt downs’ – that is in
public speaking engagements, I would tremble so badly I could not go
on. The level of anxiety was so intense it’s hard to describe. I
started to have panic attacks and I was hospitalized three times for
them. The doctors thought I was having heart problems but could not
find anything wrong with my heart.
I was stumbling at work for the first time in my life and was told
by a counselor associated with my job, “Beth, you have no peace”. I
was sobbing in a coffee shop with her when she told me that. But,
she didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. Shortly
thereafter, I lost a great job that I had had for 11 years in a high
level corporate position.
I got to the point where I couldn’t eat in front of people at
business lunches because I couldn’t keep food on my fork due to the
shaking. I started ordering sandwiches so I could hold my food with
both hands (two hands tended to steady me) and hopefully, people
wouldn’t notice. I began to feel nauseous just being around people.
And I did get sick on occasion - one time, after a business meeting,
I had to pull the car off to the side of the interstate, I was so
sick. It wasn’t pretty. That’s the level of anxiety I was feeling.
But the toughest challenge I have faced in my life came last year in
late February. You see, I was married to my best friend for 18
years. We were together for 21 years. We did everything together and
led a great life –good jobs, nice house, expensive golf vacations,
and a country club membership. He was my biggest supporter and my
source of self esteem and happiness. I counted on him to build me up
and tell me everything was okay and that I was a good person. Almost
every night we’d go out to dinner and night clubs. That period of my
life was really good and I was happy. That’s a long time and many
people don’t have that ever. He told me he loved me everyday and I
had great love for him. Being with him was one of the richest
experiences of my life. However, that life ended in the blink of an
eye.
On February 19th, he was on his way home from work (he was a
lawyer), when he suffered a massive brain aneurism which led to a
horrific car crash. He was basically dead before he ever hit the
cars involved. The exit ramp was closed for three hours so the
police could clean up the mess. Needless to say, I was devastated
and in total shock. And he left me with serious financial problems
that I did not know about.
In the months that followed, I didn’t want to live. I sought solace
in wine and isolation. I cried 10-12 hours a day and didn’t know how
I was going to get through. I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it
as no one I knew had lost their husband at such a young age. Their
lives were in tact in my view…mine was not. I became suicidal. That
was basically all I thought about. I decided I didn’t have the
energy or will to continue with my life.
I became suicidal. That was basically all I thought about. I wanted
to be with my husband and to kill myself was the only way I knew
how. I got the pills out but wanted to make sure I finished the job.
I went to the Internet as I was actually looking for a way to end my
life with some medications that had been prescribed for me (I wanted
to make sure what a lethal dosage was and believe it or not, I was
able to get that information). But that’s when I came across a web
site, peaceplusprogram.com, that offered to help people.
When I first talked to Vince I was angry, sad, and inconsolable. To
say I was difficult is an understatement. I felt cheated and robbed
of what had been a happy life. But Vince more than hung in with me
offering compassion, understanding and solutions so I could go on.
Like Vince, I made a bonafide attempt at suicide. This was no “cry
for help”. This was a means to get rid of the pain and hopelessness
I was feeling. I had crossed the line one evening of thinking about
it and actually doing it. In the midst of taking too many
prescription pills, Vince happened to call. He could tell by my
incoherence and rambling that something had happened. I don’t
remember what I said to him. All I know is that, even though we live
far apart, he was able to get me help within minutes and I was put
in the hospital.
He called me almost everyday while I was there with words of
encouragement and comfort. Over time, I realized that night would
have been my last had it not been for him.
Over the years, he has continued to counsel me. He has showed great
empathy and understanding and offered valuable solutions to my
thinking. He never became impatient with me even when I was
belligerent and mean due to the self-pity I was wallowing in. He
encouraged me to take positive action in my life and at some point,
I finally listened. He never indicated he felt sorry for me which
was a good thing. He just kept me on tract to a healthier road to
living.
As I mentioned, my husband left me with financial issues. Among them
were tax issues. It looked hopeless as the amount was large and I
had a high priced lawyer tell me I hardly stood a chance to get it
resolved. Well, I gained the courage to pursue it on my own. I
stated my case in total truth and I won! The entire debt was
forgiven. And it was not a small amount of money. I am eternally
grateful for this miracle. I have some other tax years to work on
but I am going to go into it with the same confidence and
determination.
Today, I am alcohol free and have been for some time. I don’t feel a
need for it anymore. My relationships with my family and friends are
better than ever. I have a good life and can now help others in
similar circumstances – Vince encouraged me to do this and it has
helped me. After a successful career, there came a time where I
thought I was too mentally and emotionally ill to work. But Vince’s
example and work ethic taught me otherwise. Today, I am
self-employed which is something I thought I could never do.
I can’t thank Vince enough for saving my life and giving me the
tools and insight to regain control of my life. He helped me realize
there is life after suffering.
Questions or Comments
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